For several months I have been struggling with an odd feeling. Initially, back in January I attributed it to SAD … and that may have very well been part of it.
In February while visiting San Francisco I found myself deep in thought and searching, but for what?
In March, I did my best to sink myself into my one certainty (Jackson, my heart of hearts) and we lost ourselves in the magic.
But in the last couple of weeks I’ve realized it’s more than mild depression or wanderlust that has me so dismayed.
Very soon, I will find myself on the eve of my 29th birthday…and this fear is the thing which has unraveled my core.
No, I’m not worried about lines and wrinkles (despite every second commercial and magazine ad telling me I should), grey hairs, or even sagging skin (and, OH…is it on it’s way there!). Honestly, the physical parts of getting old don’t scare me at all.
What scares me….is time.
Or, truly – the lack thereof.
Despite having lived almost 30 years, I feel that it has only been in the last 3 years that I have truly discovered myself.
Who I am.
Where I’m going.
What I want to become.
And now, I’m admittedly panicked.
What if there is not enough time?
To fulfill my dreams.
To give Jackson my best.
To be the woman that I’ve only just discovered within.
This morning I went for a run…(if there’s one thing I know is working for me it’s fitness – all the way around) and about a mile in I tripped and fell HARD. I caught myself with both hands…my palms and knees stung instantly from abrasions. In that moment, I hurt physically…and my feelings were hurt too.
Here was the first morning in awhile that I had gotten up with intention of being good to myself and having a productive day…not shying away from the world by climbing back in bed – and I was flat on my face, despite my intentions.
For a moment, I was bitter…then embarrassed (I wonder if anyone saw me fall – OH GOD).
And then I picked myself up, brushed off the dirt, and kept running. And I felt so free.
*This is the almost 30 me.*
Someone who has fallen and hurt, but who moves forward anyway.
Getting back up was the best decision I ever made.
*Kudos to you if you know the band and song that inspired the title of this post.