Reflections on the past

I remember once when I was 13 that I had a very dramatic and angst-ridden “crisis”.

The word “crisis” should be taken very lightly there, obviously, because even though I can’t remember now what the particular problem was that day…I’m sure it was no greater than a bad hair day or the fact that the grocery store was sold out of BOP magazine.

That day I told my Mom that in some ways I felt like I knew so much about life because I was 13 and felt SO grown-up (HAH! If I had only known)…but that since the very dramatic and angst-ridden “crisis” I was questioning everything I knew and felt like I still had SO much more to learn.

And of course I did. But the advice my Mom gave me then was some that has really stuck with me ever since.

She told me that she had felt the same way about her learning and understanding of life since she was a teenager. At 16 she felt confident, responsible and on top of everything..then at 20 something big happened that made her question all of that.

At 25 she felt strong and assured yet again only to find at 30 that she wasn’t so certain of things…and so on. She told me that life would always keep me guessing, that was just the way things worked.

I have found everything she told me that day to be true. Just when I think I’m doing o.k. and have the hang of things in my life….it throws me a curve ball and I feel like that 13 year old all over again. Unsure of things and angry at the world.

And yet I’ve found through all these experiences that I grow and learn and become more of who I am as they happen.

The last 2 years have been rough ones. Jackson was diagnosed with severe Autism and a sensory processing disorder. My Mother was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer and underwent surgery. Jackson’s Dad and I divorced*.

All these earth shattering experiences were difficult yes, but I realize now that they have molded and shaped me into the person I am today…a person who I can confidently say I’m proud of.

So, at 27 I can say that there is only one thing which I think I understand about life and learning…which is that no one will ever fully understand life or the way we are meant to grow and learn as people.

And that’s ok, I think.

*We have been divorced for quite some time now and although close friends knew, this is the first time I’ve mentioned it here on the blog. It will likely also be the last time. I say it only as a fact of my life. We have a found a very successful arrangement of co-parenting Jackson and have remained good friends.